Monday, September 26, 2005

Weight Watchers Weekly Update

I lost another 3 pounds making a total of 8 pounds gone! I have far to go, but I made the step and I'm getting there! Three things are on my mind today. At the meeting today, there are two women who are at goal weight. They deserve applause, because no matter how much you have to lose, it's never easy to get to your goal. Both are happy with their weight loss, but one of them said something that made me think. She said "I guess I still feel like a fat person inside even though I'm healthy on the outside". It made me realize that losing the weight is only part of the problem, letting yourself feel good about yourself as a thin person, well that takes some work when you have dealt with weight for the better part of your life. I'm not too sure how I'll react to a thinner me. On the one hand, I know that I'll be healthier and look a hell of a lot better, but will my mind catch up? Will I let myself think like a thin person, or will I still think and feel like a fat person. These are things that only time will have an answer to. I've also seen what happened to some of my friends who have lost weight. Others in their lives, unable or unwilling to accept the new person, say things like "you've gotten too thin, you look drawn, don't disappear!" Even though my friend tells people that she is in a healthy range of weight and is not too thin. She is beautiful, was before the weight loss, even more so now. But I think sometimes that makes people uncomfortable, perhaps because of what they might be struggling with in their own lives that they can't get a handle on. I have know idea if I'll get those comments, and if I do, I don't know how I will react. This is something I will ponder on my journey, but I have a LONG way to go before I get there!
I also remember when I was a little girl. I was never thin, but as a child I was in a healthy range of weight. Post adolescence is when I truly started to gain, and I remember my mom looking at me in a pair of shorts and laughing, saying "my god you look like a sausage in a casing in those". I don't think she meant is as cruelly as she said it, at least I hope not. But that was the first time I ever truly felt fat. The feeling has never left me since. Mom did not know how to deal with her over-weight daughter, as her sons were all so thin. She didn't know how to encourage, in weight loss or actually in any aspect of life. I always felt like I was letting her down. I struggle with that feeling even now at 42. Finally, I am realizing that the only one I have to answer to is me. If I want to change something, I can do it, no matter who is cheering or jeering. Some days that's easier than others to believe.
The last thing I ponder today is a conversation with Princess when I first joined weight watchers three weeks ago. I was talking about WW to Roomie and Princess asked me what I was doing. This was tricky, as she has no weight problem, and I don't want to start her obsessing about it. I told her "mommy is going to lose weight so that I can be more active and do more things with you, and be around for you a long time". I'm sure it didn't truly make any sense to her, but I wanted to put the weight loss in a positive light to her, not a "mommy feels so fat and ugly" kind of light. She looked at me, and hugged me and said "but I love my fat mommy!". I hugged her back, and said no matter what, I would always be her loving mommy, just healthier. I didn't have the words to explain why I don't want to be her "fat" mommy anymore. I just told her I loved her.
Nothing is ever easy in life, but it sure is an interesting and wonderful ride!

• Posted By Crazy Single Mom @ 11:08 AM
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