Wednesday, February 02, 2005

It all depends on your point of view

I posted about going to Kid City, a fun place were good times can be had by kids of all ages. I went with two good friends, one I work with "Kay" and one who is a long time friend "Dee". Obviously, not their real names. We truly did have a good time, however, today at work Kay came up to me and told me that Dee had been talking her ear off. Dee, like me, is a single mom, her sons father is still in the picture with the son, unlike me and Princess. Kay, is not, she has a husband. Kay said that in the midst of talking her ear off, Dee told her she was lucky because at least she had a husband, which seemed to have insulted Kay. I asked her what was so insulting about it, she told me she was no better off than any of us. This got me thinking, everyone has their own point of view on life and what it offers. To me and also to Dee, Kay seems to have that which we do not. She has a loving husband who loves her and her son. And unlike me, Dee has a man who is still in his sons life, even if he isn't in hers, so to me Dee also has what I do not. This was brought home clearly last night as Princess has started to ask more questions about her father. I found out she has been telling her classmates that he died. For a split second, I was tempted to agree with her, it would be so much easier than telling her that he chose not to be in our lives. What stopped me was a promise I made to her and to myself when she was born, I would never lie to her, at least not the important stuff. I think all parents use "parents lies" at some point. "No I never smoked pot, yes I always did my homework, I may have not waited till marriage but your father was my first". My apologies to those whom those last statements may be true, it's not my intention to belittle your truths. These are lies that in society is acceptable, telling a child that her father is dead when he isn't, is not. What I did tell her was that her father couldn't give her or me what we needed, so he chose not to be part of our lives, but that I loved her enough for two people. I told her that there were many different kinds of families, some with a mother and a father, some with just a mother, some with just a father, some with two daddies and some with two mommies. I told her that all these families had one thing in common, they all loved their children very much. No more needs to be said until she's older, but oh how it hurt me to tell her that her father did not choose us! Not that there is love between me and the father, I hardly knew him, he wasn't who I would've chosen to father my child. But to know that he wanted nothing to do with her, this hurts me, so how can I tell her that, as I know it will hurt her even more.
Getting back to Kay. I told her that with what was going on in Dee's life right now, she probably does look lucky to her. I told her about Princess and the father discussion last night and told her because she will never have to tell her child anything like that, to me she is lucky. Ask me tomorrow, my answer may be different. Each day we face new challenges, and that changes our perspective and point of view. The next day are new challenges, which will in turn make our point of view new too. To Kay, she has a husband who loves her and her son, but doesn't help out much, so she envies the freedom she perceives that Dee and I have. To us, she has something we may never have. Tomorrow, she may love her husband because he did something wonderful to her so she won't envy our freedom, she will see we are alone with our children. Tomorrow, Princess and I may have discussions about how much we love each other, so that the lack of a father won't be so hurtful. So ask us all tomorrow, you may hear a totally different story, each with one thing in common, we all love our families, no matter how they're made.

• Posted By Crazy Single Mom @ 9:12 PM
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