Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Single parent, and damn proud of it!

I figured I opened the door to my opinionated self with the post on gay marriage, so I'm going to continue with a post on being a single mother. Here goes! (I'm not too sure where this post is going, so bear with me).
I was married twice. Once to a man who I still have nightmares about, and yes, the occasional dream of how it might have been had he not had as many insecurities as he did. When I fell in love with him, I gave him my whole heart, willingly and gladly. By his cruelty and inability to deal with his anger, he tore my heart out, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it. He then picked it up, handed it back to me, daring me to love someone as much as I had loved him with a heart so torn and broken I couldn't see a way to make it whole again. That wasn't enough though, when I left him he had to come back and tear me apart physically, perhaps because he needed to see on the outside the same bleeding that was happening on the inside. The second marriage was to a man who was decent, and kind, and calm. Seems like the perfect marriage for me after the nightmare right? The problem there was I didn't love him. I married him because he was safe. I wasn't a young girl anymore, I knew that with age, that first bloom of love doesn't happen like it did before, but I still wanted to have Love, not just acceptance. When I left him, it was bittersweet, I liked him, I felt bad for hurting him, but I knew that if we stayed together sooner or later he would realize that what he had married was just a shell of a woman. You see, I have never loved someone again like I loved my first husband. I'm not sure I'm capable of it anymore, not in the married way. Oh sure, there have been relationships, many physical, some for comfort, a lot I have stayed in touch with as friends, but not Love.
I have learned to love though, a love so deep that I would die to protect it. One that makes me do the most unselfish things, all in the name of the strongest emotion I have ever felt. Of course I'm talking about my daughter. When I first found out I was pregnant, I couldn't believe it. I had wanted a child through both of my marriages, and because of polycystic ovary syndrome, it never did happen. Then I divorced, put the thought of having children out of my mind, and here she was. I was happy, but not once did I consider marrying the father. At this point I couldn't even tell you where he is or what he's doing. He was one of those physical relationships I talked about before, never meant to last past a few encounters, CERTAINLY not a person who would make a decent father in any way. I may not have chosen to be a mother, but I did make the conscious choice to be a single mother. I feel very strongly that one person who is devoted to her child is a much better choice than two people so tied up in misery that the child becomes an after thought. Oh sure, I know the statistics of single parent households, how the children don't do as well as in a household with two parents both working together. But what about the statistics for the two parents who stay together and fight all the time, or the two parents that use a child as a weapon against the other? Where does my child stack up in those statistics? Can you honestly tell me she is worse off than those children? Can you sit there and tell me that a child who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is loved whole heartedly is worse off than a child who may have two parents but is NOT loved whole heartedly by them?
It's not easy doing this alone, I'm lucky to have friends who go beyond the boundaries of friendship to help me and my daughter. Without them I'm not sure how successful I would be. I also wish that things were different, that Princess had a father, actually better to have a Daddy. I also know that there are way more of us single parents in this world than there used to be. Many for different reasons, not all of them good. But you could say the same about marriages. I feel lucky to be a single parent now, no one looks down on me because I am unwed, they see the strength in me for doing this on my own. I'm not ostracized by society. You know what? I'm happy! Truly, deep inside, happy. Being a single parent isn't for everyone, it isn't even something I think should be done at ALL on a whim. But as long as you realize that being a parent means devoting your entire life to shaping and molding a child that will someday be a wonderful adult, well then to me it doesn't matter if there is one of you, two of you, or a whole village.
My child taught me to love and trust again. I see the world through her innocent eyes, and I realize how beautiful it is. I watch her sleep sometimes, and know that I couldn't have asked for a more perfect child, and no I'm not saying she doesn't have moods, come on people, she's a CHILD. But her moods and her testing and her outbursts are what children do to learn, so that, is why I know she's perfect. She acts just as she should.
Single parents are tough, they have to be. They love their children just as much as a two parent household does. They worry as much about the future. They pay their bills (or at least most of them do). There are as many good single parents as their are good marriages, and as many bad. I hope my child grows up and finds the partner she needs in life, but if she doesn't, I hope that IF she makes the decision to raise a child on her own, she does it with as much joy as I have. Even if she chooses not to have children, I hope her life is as happy as mine.
Doesn't every parent, single or no, wish happiness for their child?

• Posted By Crazy Single Mom @ 11:35 PM
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    1. Name: Crazy Single Mom
    2. Location: Connecticut, USA

    3. I am a 44 year old
    4. single mom of a 6
    5. year old little girl.

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    1. A low key weekend, which we totally enjoyed
    2. Here I go getting all opinionated.
    3. Do I HAVE to go back to real life???
    4. First day of vacation at a place called "Zooquari...
    5. A view of the beach on Hyannis, this time of year...
    6. Princess and friend having fun in the sun!
    7. This is what happens when adults drink and have c...
    8. Part of the group, although not all of us!!!
    9. My plans for the weekend
    10. On chimneys and growing up
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