Friday, February 11, 2005

A journey without an end

It's funny the things that come up in conversation in a salon. Next Wednesday is my Birthday, I will be 42. That number is divisible by 7, and according to the massage therapist at work, who is also very spiritual, that is a special birthday, and means I am starting the 6th phase of my life. She told me that the sixth phase is all about spirituality. Okay to some of you, you may be going huh?? What the heck does that mean?? Well, at first when she told me this, that was my reaction. But then I started to look at what I have been doing this past year, even thinking of some of the posts I have made. I seem to be on a journey of self-discovery, not the least of which is my spiritual side. Let me explain.
I'm not very religious, but I do have a strong belief in a higher power. I hesitate to call it god because that only implies the masculine side of things. Nor do I pray to the god and goddess, because that limits my belief to a male and female deity. By calling it a higher power, this does not say anything about male and female, right or wrong, night or day. This just stated what I think it is, a higher power. I don't profess to know what that higher power is, perhaps I'm not enlightened enough or delusional enough to put a name to it. But my journey into this started with the birth of my daughter 4 years ago. I started to think about that higher power, because truly with my history of PCOS and the fact that there was a condom involved, I thought it a miracle that I conceived let alone had a child. The journey was in the back of my mind for some time, but the real world intruded on it, like finding a way to support us and getting an apartment without the roommates I had at the time. Making sure I could pay the bills and put food on the table took a lot of my energy. Learning how to be a good mom took the rest. So now, on the eve of my 42nd birthday, I am able to support us, I have a wonderful and caring roomie, and while I'm still learning about my daughter, a life long pursuit, I know her, NOW I can look at the spiritual side of me.
The nail technician at the salon has no belief, she's facing the prospect of getting older with no belief in a here-after or anything. This is it for her, and frankly she's afraid of getting old. It seems like such an empty way to be, and not the most comfortable. I don't want to be like that, nor do I think I am. I know there's something after this, but since I'm still in this life, I won't know what it is until after I die. I'm okay with the thought of getting older because I know deep inside me that what I am, not my identity right now in this life, but the very essence of my life force, will never truly end. Think about it, you can fracture an atom and make it destructive or harness limitless amounts of energy, it is no longer the whole atom, but its energy is still there! And when we use it, it still doesn't go away, so how can a powerful energy force like we have truly disappear? It doesn't, it just changes. Perhaps we aren't what or who we are now, but we still exist. I believe this very strongly. The massage therapist has enough spirituality in her for many life times, and it practically glows out of her. I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. I doubt that this journey will be completed at the end of this life, but it will be completed, somehow, someway.
Even if somehow my energy/life-force somehow, for some unknown reason, ceases to be, a part of me will live on in my daughter. And a part of her will live on in her kids, and so on. It isn't all the answers, heck I'm not even sure it's the right answer, but for now, it's enough and gives me the opportunity to face getting older with hope, not despair.
May your journeys end where you want them to!

• Posted By Crazy Single Mom @ 9:18 PM
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