Monday, May 09, 2005

Some bitter with the sweet


I've discovered through the years that life never plays itself out as you would wish it to. Things you wish would happen don't, and things you wish would not happen do. You go along thinking that you have come to terms with the demons of the past only to find out that they were still within you all along, waiting for the right moment to rear their ugly heads. This was my weekend.
We went to Long Island to visit my parents for Mothers Day. Princess was excited to see her grammy and grampy. My mother has a lot of issues, and through the years they have made life difficult for each of us her children. My brothers deal with it by staying away and only making visits when they have to. I try to still be in her life, and love her, and support her. The closer you get to my mother the more she pushes you away either with anger or tears. My mother is angry all the time. Usually it's a slow simmer below the surface and sometimes it erupts like a volcano. Other times it comes out cold and icy, and that is the worst of all. The fruits of her anger are bitterness and sadness, both of her own making. Life has not been unkind to her, but she sees only the blows of life, not the caresses.
This does not make it easy to try with her, but I still do. This weekend she was in a slow simmer JUST below the surface, you could see it wanting to come out and erupt. She has been this way for a long time, since my dad was sick and she has had to care for him more than she has through the years. Being a nurturer and a carer does not come naturally to my mother and she resents it being thrust on her. Not that caring for my father is a picnic, he's forgetful so you have to tell him things over and over. He is belligerent at times, which makes it hard to make him see reason. I know many people who have to care for their partners and many of them become resentful....But then they let it go and remember why they loved them. This never happens with my mother. She holds onto the resentment, embracing it like a lover. She revels in it, because she can then play the victim. And she lets it burn those around her who love her.
I helped my dad get a camera this weekend, I found the simplest digital camera I could find so he would understand it, and I kept it reasonable in cost. We talked about buying it for a while before we did so. After we bought it, it was then that my mother decided to let me know that they truly couldn't afford something like that, when it wasn't necessary. I asked her why she didn't tell me before we went, she said she didn't want to start a fight. I think the reason is because after the fact she could again be the long suffering martyr. Look what he did to me again she can say. They both are getting too old to take care of the house as it needs, so my brother comes down to help. He told her he would be down in two weeks to help with shutters and shingles on the roof because he didn't want either of them on the roof. I told her I agreed with him, and was glad she wouldn't be up there. Her anger boiled out. She didn't hear my concern, she heard me telling her she was too old to do anything. She flung words at me meant to hurt, and they did. I had no business being concerned, if she wanted to climb the roof and fall off and break her neck, she could and it wasn't my business. Not my business I asked, when I love you and you're my mother? That's right, none of my business she replied just stay out of it.
I broke.
I broke.
I couldn't hold back the resentment I had inside me.
It's been coming for a long time. I keep it inside, where it can't hurt anyone but me. I keep the smile on my face, because Princess loves her grammy.
The words spewed out of my mouth and I couldn't stop it. A part of me stood aside in awe, here I am accusing my mother of using words to hurt, and I am doing it to her. All the hurt of growing up with a mother I was afraid of, not because she would strike me with her fist, but because she would pummel me with emotions and words if I dared to have a thought she did not control. All the frustration of being the one who is there, so therefore I am the one she hurts constantly. My brothers get glancing blows because they are not there, even when they are physically. How dare you tell me when I was trying to have a baby when I was married and having trouble that it was perhaps a good thing that I didn't as children just grow up and disappoint you. This to her daughter. How dare you tell me when Uncle was not on speaking terms with his daughter that it was a shame as that was his only grandchild he had, and when I pointed out that his son had children who loved him so that was not his only grandchild, that it wasn't the same because he was adopted. This to her adopted daughter. How dare you try to play emotional games with me over Easter because you couldn't deal with your mentally ill son so you wanted me to step in and be the bad guy. How dare you take a child and tell her that the bullying she got on the playground was somehow her fault because people just don't do those things to others without a reason. HOW DARE YOU PUSH ME AWAY WHEN ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED WAS TO LOVE YOU AND BE LOVED IN RETURN.
I broke.
I don't know if I can pick up the pieces and have a relationship with her again. The wounds are wide open and raw again, and the salves I try to put on them of indifference don't work anymore. Only time will tell. I know one thing, I will try, because Princess loves her, and I love Princess. And because Princess saved me from becoming as angry and bitter as she is, and I owe it to Princess.
She said so you blame me for how your life turned out? I told her no, that I take full responsibility for my life, all the failures and the triumphs. I asked her if she has ever taken responsibility for hers.
I still don't have an answer to that, and probably never will.


For those who wanted to see my mothers garden, I have pictures, and when I can, I will post them. But take a good look at my mothers other garden, she grew that too.


• Posted By Crazy Single Mom @ 10:33 PM
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    1. Name: Crazy Single Mom
    2. Location: Connecticut, USA


    3. I am a 44 year old
    4. single mom of a 6
    5. year old little girl.


    6. Want to learn more?


    7. View My Profile!
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    1. I'm baaaack!!!
    2. ugh a virus!
    3. It appears that I have been tagged for a meme, and...
    4. Single parent, and damn proud of it!
    5. A low key weekend, which we totally enjoyed
    6. Here I go getting all opinionated.
    7. Do I HAVE to go back to real life???
    8. First day of vacation at a place called "Zooquari...
    9. A view of the beach on Hyannis, this time of year...
    10. Princess and friend having fun in the sun!
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